Topside GF

lonesome

Hello.

I am feeling a thousand things this week. Some too personal to share on my blog, which apparently now everyone at work (the Library) reads.

I feel:
tired
crabby
frustrated
antsy
weepy
and inconsolable.

I feel like I just described a geriatric convention.
Or how I feel when I have to hang out with my Aunt Marian-the-Librarian for the day.

I am so glad TSO is flying in to Detroit on Tuesday.
We are driving to PA on Wednesday for time with his (lovely) family before heading to Palmyra for B1 & B2's Wedding.

And yet, why I do I feel like an odd bunch of mis-named dwarves?

I am tired and crabby because today is day #6 of 9 days in a row of work. Since I am only PT and have no vacation days and can't afford to lose the money, I am working all my hours before I go.

I am frustrated and antsy because I am tired of busting ass to make money--never enough money--and not having benefits and making squat for as hard as I work. I am antsy to move back out East. I am so tired of MI. I am tired of hearing about friends and friends of friends losing jobs. I am tired of hearing about how the car economy based MI is sinking to its pathetic knees. I am tired of looking at sky scrapers and sitting in rush hour traffic every day, and putting 1,000 miles on my car each month. I am tired of living outside of community. I wish I could look out my window and see fields and cows again. I wish I didn't hear the rush of traffic from the nearby expressway when I open the windows. I wish I heard moo'ing, music playing, noisy roomates, anything for Heaven's sake! I miss doing good work that made your body exhausted at the end of the day, from the physical tiredness that comes from doing good work, to the mental strain of frustrating time spent on work teams. I feel as though I am going to go nuts staying here any longer. And yet, each day I get out of bed. Put feet on the ground and begin another day.

I am weepy and inconsolable because this week brings about the 1 year anniversary of my Dad's death. And I find a hundred things each day that remind me of him. And the next moment I can't remember exactly the way he laughed.
And I miss the way he'd always tell me how much he loved me and us.
And he always told me I was smart and a good person. Why is it that without him here I stopped believing those things?
I am so mad sometimes that he won't be here for all the things he was supposed to be here for. I am so sad that he is missing out on so much. And so mad that he left my mom and us.

I should stop. I am sitting at my desk at work crying. This is the hardest I have cried for self pity in a while and now I really want a cigarette and I don't smoke at work. *Sigh*

I am just tired.
I am just sad.
Tuesday can't get here fast enough.
I need a break.

posted by Monster Librarian @ 1:05 PM